Lists on Lists

I used to think I had a good memory. I suppose I do in a way. I remember the phone number and street of my best friend in fourth grade (443-2288, Tama Drive.) I remember that my law school friend’s childhood friend’s ex-boyfriend is named Rudy. I remember the outfit I wore to get the immunizations I needed for kindergarten.

In high school and college, if I could get myself to synthesize the material I needed to learn for a quiz or test into a neatly-printed one or two page study sheet, I could take a mental photograph of the study guide and remember it just long enough to score an A-. (The problem, of course, being that synthesizing the material into a study guide was SO boring that it made me want to die.)

As it turns out though, my working memory is shit. Working memory is the memory you need in order to complete a task. I have heard it described as a bulletin board where your brain temporarily stores or holds information needed to finish the job. If your working memory is shit, you start jobs and then forget about them. For instance, my son asked me for refills of his milk and water, so I picked up his cups and walked into the kitchen. I refilled his water cup at the fridge and then thought “I wonder if the milk is in the fridge or already out on the counter.” I set the cups down on the counter, noticed that the blender was dirty, and walked over and washed the blender, completely forgetting that my son still did not have water or milk.

I do this at work as well. The other day, I was feeling caffeinated and focused, so I sat in one place for two hours and typed up a timeline of the pertinent facts in a case I’m handling. As soon as I completed it, I opened up another document to doublecheck a fact, and lo and behold, I discovered a timeline I had prepared two weeks earlier for the same case! I have zero memory of preparing that timeline.

Duplicated facts are a common feature of my life. I was recently going through some of my old papers at my parents’ house, and I found a list of things I enjoy doing. I started laughing. I made the list at some point in my 20s, but it looks a lot like the list of things I enjoy doing that is currently posted on my fridge. And the one in my phone. And if I kept looking, I’m sure I’d find another similar list in one of the four journals I keep. Each time I make the list I think, “what a great idea!" as if it is the first time I’ve made the list because, in a way, it is. It is a great new idea because I have no memory of making my prior lists and therefore never consult them.

I also have duplicated thought processes, where I think through some complicated thoughts or emotions and come to a seemingly-new realization. I then communicate the realization to another person or write it in a journal, only to realize I’ve had this realization before. A few months ago, I came home from a walk and announced to my husband that I was starting to realize that I am a very sensitive person. He gently asked “…you’re starting to realize this?”

I am coming to understand (for the first time or the 50th time, really, who knows?) that if I want to avoid these duplicated efforts in the future, I will need to make a master list of my running lists and keep the master list in a conspicuous place. The master list will include things like a list of my friends, a list of emotions I commonly feel (and why), and a list of tools I can use to deal with these emotions.

The more I notice how often I duplicate tasks and thought processes, the more the man’s tattoos in Memento make sense to me, though given how the master list will evolve over time, I will stick to paper for now.