My Year So Far
Let me update you.
October 2019 - I had my baby boy. I was worried about whether I would love him because I tend to think baby girls are cuter. There was no need to worry. He is fussy, but we are in love.
December 2019 - My grandma died. She was the grandparent I was closest to, and I miss her.
January 2020 - I went to my grandma’s memorial. Later that day, I went to mass, where she was honored. Neither event came close to capturing how magnificent she was. I sobbed at the lobby bar of the Courtyard Marriott while the bartender poured me a glass of white wine and pretended not to notice.
February 2020 - At nearly four months old, baby boy could still only be awake for 45 minutes at a time. I asked my therapist if she thought I had postpartum depression. She said no; I think you have “don’t ask for help” depression. I tried to start asking for more help. Out of desperation, I started sleep training baby boy. I got Mom shamed for sleep training before 6 months.
March 5, 2020 (journal entry): I felt good yesterday, like we are turning a corner. Baby was in a good mood, and we ran some errands. He took good naps, and only woke up once in the middle of the night to eat. It was really encouraging, and I felt like myself. Today hasn’t been a bad day, but my head feels crowded and messy.
March 7, 2020 (journal entry): Today I found myself wishing I had a clogged duct so that I could rest.
March 12, 2020 (journal entry): I left the baby with a new babysitter, who seemed competent but did not engage with me very much, which made me really nervous. I ended up coming back 45 minutes early because she did not respond to a text I sent her, and I was afraid that the baby was dead. This was the last time I went grocery shopping in person.
March 16, 2020: We rented an Airbnb in Santa Barbara to escape LA during the global pandemic. We drove up in the pouring rain; I took the cats and he took the kids. We stayed for two months. Three weeks in, I went “back to work” after six months of maternity leave. I had to order a button down shirt to wear with my sweat pants so that I looked somewhat professional on my Zoom calls. Tim and I had a big fight about our sourdough starter.
May 16, 2020: We moved down to my in-law’s house in Laguna Niguel to get help with the kids. The cats went to live with my parents. We stayed for six weeks. We ordered takeout for the first time. We finished our fifth puzzle.
July 5, 2020: We moved back to Santa Monica, where I feel both physical unsafe to go outside and emotionally unsafe, because I feel filled with rage by the number of maskless people blocking the sidewalk. I bought a water table and a Pickler triangle to keep my kids occupied without a backyard.
August 1, 2020: We drove up to Monterey to stay with my sister’s family for five days and take a break. Two days in, my sister broke her ankle on our outing to a creek in Big Sur, so we extended our trip to help out.
August 5, 2020: I got tired of all of the fighting and yelling so I made all of the kids sit on the couch for four minutes. The 7-year-old spent the whole time screaming “my dad would NEVER make us do this.” One of the kids asked why they had to sit on the couch and I said “because I’m a bitch.”
So that’s where I’m at. How are you?