Why I’m Treating My Baby Like an Employee
The Bean is 13 months old, and she’s a true first child. When she started clapping, my sister asked me where she had learned the skill. It took me a moment to realize that she had learned it from me and my husband because WE APPLAUD EVERYTHING SHE DOES. First steps? Applause. First poop of the day? Applause. Good dinner? Applause. Not-so-great dinner, but made a slight effort? Applause.
I also photograph everything the Bean does, and while I am doing a bad job at filling out her baby book, I did start a note in my phone, where I write things like:
May 19- Put her paci back in her mouth!
May 20- Laughed for the first time!
It’s glowing to say the least. Couple that diary with breastfeeding hormones and all the cute photos I’ve taken, and I’ve basically already forgotten every scary, maddening, and/or painful thing about having a baby. (Except for tonight’s dinner, which took forever, made a huge mess, and only garnered a smattering of light applause.)
So,for the Bean’s first birthday, I decided to prepare a performance evaluation for her. Part of my job involves advising employers on why it’s imperative to evaluate employees consistently and honestly. First, it’s for their benefit. You can’t assume an employee knows what she is doing well and what she needs to improve if you don’t tell her. It’s also for the benefit of the employer. If an employee sues and alleges, for instance, that she didn’t get promoted for discriminatory reasons, the employer has a written record of an employee’s performance and its attempts to correct performance issues.
Similarly, in this case, the Bean’s performance evaluation was for both of us. It will memorialize both the good and the bad of the past year, which has been the best and the most tiring year of my life. It has also provided the Bean with some constructive feedback about how she can improve personally and professionally so that she can succeed as a toddler in West Los Angeles.
And so, without further ado, the Bean’s performance evaluation for 2016–2017:
ANNUAL PERFORMANCE EVALUATION
Name: “The Bean” Henderson
Job Title: First Child/Baby
Date of Hire: March 2, 2016
Appraisal Date: March 2, 2017
Ratings:
Exceeds Expectations — Performance often exceeds objectives
Meets Standards — Consistently meets objectives
Needs Improvement — Sometimes or often fails to meet objectives
Not Applicable — This factor does not apply based on the requirements of the position.
1. Cuteness — Exhibits physical and emotional characteristics, whether conventional or unconventional, that invoke delight in the hearts of supervisors, extended family members, and total strangers.
_X_Exceeds Expectations
___Meets Standards
___Needs Improvement
___Not Applicable
Comments: The Bean is the cutest baby T and I have ever met. She came out of the womb with big eyes and cheeks, and they seem to have only gotten bigger with time. When she is tired, she yawns and rubs her eyes like a storybook baby. While the Bean has begun throwing tantrums when she does not get her way, even her tantrums are cute; she throws herself backwards with gusto and expects someone to catch her.
2. Sense of Humor — Aptitude for understanding jokes and/or the humor of the situation around her, and for purposefully making those in her company laugh.
_X_Exceeds Expectations
___Meets Standards
___Needs Improvement
___Not Applicable
Comments: The Bean shows an early aptitude for dark humor, slapstick humor, and potty humor. She seems to think that there is endless humor in sticking her filthy fingers in mommy’s mouth, watching daddy do his impression of fireworks, pulling the cats’ tails, and listening to the Hokey Pokey. Understanding of sarcasm and cultural references could be improved.
3. Organizational Skills and Productivity — Plans and prioritizes work effectively. Follows through with assignments. Produces quality work and a satisfactory quantity of work.
_X_Exceeds Expectations
___Meets Standards
___Needs Improvement
___Not Applicable
Comments: The Bean is a busy, busy bee. The first thing she wants to do in the morning, and the last thing she wants to do at night, is pull all of the books off of the bookshelves. If she is on one side of the living room and sees a pile of papers that has not been knocked over yet, she crawls as quickly as possible to make sure this gets done. When the Bean’s crib is too close to her clothes hamper, she postpones her nap and seizes the opportunity to pull dirty clothes into her crib. She gets very frustrated when supervisors attempt to delay or prevent her from completing tasks.
4. Communication Skills — Is effective in communicating with others, including co-workers, superiors, or the public, using both verbal skills and facial expressions necessary for the job. Listens well. Keeps others informed. Shares information.
_X_Exceeds Expectations
___Meets Standards
___Needs Improvement
___Not Applicable
Comments: The Bean has been chatty and expressive since day one. While she sometimes gets quiet in public, it is only because she is taking everything in so that she can tell us about it later. The Bean loves to wave and give high fives. No first words yet, but everything is dada. She points at objects and says a phrase that sounds like, “what’s this?”
5. Attitude and Adaptability — Maintains a stable mood and a positive and respectful attitude. Accepts feedback well. Employee is able to adjust to a variety of situations, maintains flexibility.
___Exceeds Expectations
___Meets Standards
_X_Needs Improvement
___Not Applicable
Comments: While the Bean possesses a naturally cheerful disposition, she can also dissolve into angry tears in a matter of seconds if her will is crossed. When angry, she hits her supervisors in the face, arches her back, and going stiff as a board. The Bean will only nap in a dark, quiet room with at least four pacifiers and her giraffe blanket, Gerry. If she does not take a sufficient morning or afternoon nap, she demonstrates even more mood instability than usual.
6. Workplace Safety — Recognizes the inherent dangers connected with, for instance, heavy objects, glass objects, electrical outlets, and machinery. Conducts herself in a way that does not put herself or others in danger.
___Exceeds Expectations
___Meets Standards
_X_Needs Improvement
___Not Applicable
Comments: The Bean has an unfortunate habit of launching herself off of beds and couches headfirst. When she gets tired of climbing up the stairs, she leans backwards and assumes someone will catch her. She has the uncanny ability of finding the most dangerous object in the room. She likes to cruise around the house with one pen in her hand and one pen in her mouth, and God help you if you try to take one or both away from her.
7. Sleep — Consistently sleeps though the night. Maintains daycare’s nap schedule on weekends and holidays.
___Exceeds Expectations
___Meets Standards
_X_Needs Improvement
___Not Applicable
Comments: The Bean’s sleep schedule has not changed dramatically since she was six weeks old. She nurses at 10pm, and then continues to wake at least once in the middle of the night or early morning. She cannot sleep in bed with her supervisors because she gets too excited and wants to keep touching their faces. While the Bean’s daycare assures us that she takes two good naps her day, she refuses to maintain this schedule when home on the weekends, and wakes up crying after exactly 45 minutes.
8. Hygiene and Grooming — Permits supervisors, with minimal resistance, to change diapers, wipe nose, and clean face during and after mealtime. Tolerates bath time. Keeps fingernails trimmed and clean.
___Exceeds Expectations
___Meets Standards
_X_Needs Improvement
___Not Applicable
Comments: The Bean’s nose runs continuously, but she gets very angry if anyone tries to wipe it; she prefers to wipe it into her hair or onto her supervisor’s clothes while pretending to snuggle. She also screams if anyone tries to clean her face after a meal, even if she has a beard made of black beans. Her fingernails are perpetually black. We cannot dress her in light colored pants. She tolerates bath time until it’s time to wash her hair.
9. Eating — Shows a willingness to try new foods. Politely declines or disposes of foods she does not like.
___Exceeds Expectations
_X_Meets Standards
___Needs Improvement
___Not Applicable
Comments: The Bean eats black beans, pita bread, and banana for dinner. When handed or fed a new food, the Bean will spit it out into her lap, throw it off the side of her high chair, or do both. She signals that she is done eating by crying and/or rubbing her eyes and head with food-covered hands.
10. Mobility — Moves quickly from one location to another. Shows creativity when faced with obstacles.
_X_Exceeds Expectations
___Meets Standards
___Needs Improvement
___Not Applicable
Comments: The Bean is not walking yet, but practices her cruising daily and will surely walk very soon. She also gets around with her one-legged crab crawl, and is VERY fast.
I discussed the evaluation with the Bean, who disagreed with the ratings and provided the additional comments: “aduh, babba” — transcribed by supervisor during meeting on 3/2/17.
We have scheduled a follow-up review for 3/2/18.