My New Therapist

I have a new therapist. I loved my old therapist, but I realized that I wasn’t entirely honest with her. It’s not that I lied to her per se, it’s just that I wasn’t as forthcoming as I think someone should be if they want therapy to work.

I’ve thought a lot about why I didn’t tell my old therapist more. Here’s what I’ve got so far:

1. I didn’t want to upset my therapist. So, for instance, if I read an article online about child abuse that upset me enough to send me into a panic attack at work, I was concerned that if I conveyed the content of the article to her, she’d be equally upset.  What’s the point of upsetting both of us? She needs to be in a good frame of mind to help me.

2. I was afraid of the consequences of being honest.  If I am forthcoming with a medical doctor, the worst thing she can tell me is that I’m dying. If I am forthcoming with a therapist, the worst thing she can tell me is that I am a horrible person. I’d rather die than be given confirmation that I am indeed a horrible person.

3. I got the sense that discussing sex made her uncomfortable. My therapist was in her late 60’s, and whenever I raised the topic of sex, I could have sworn that the temperature in the room dropped a few degrees, the eye contact dissipated, and the note taking increased.

Having identified the reasons for my past withholding of information, I am making a concerted effort to be more honest with my new therapist than I was with my old therapist.  My main rule is to think less and talk more.  In a few short weeks, we have already made a few big discoveries:

1. I’m not a pervert!

When I came home, I told my husband that I only had to pay $30 to hear that I’m not a pervert, though I would pay any amount of money to hear that information.  My husband responded, “wouldn’t a pervert pay any amount of money to hear that?”

2. I’m not a lesbian. 

My new therapist seems to think that my lifelong sexual attraction to men was a big factor suggesting that I am in fact heterosexual. Noted.

3. Things are going fine.

Maybe it’s because I’ve spent the last 13 years of my life actively trying to work through the resentments, hurts, and negative thoughts that have been holding me back, but I’m realizing we don’t have a ton of topics to cover each week in therapy, especially when we ruled out perversion and homosexuality in the first two sessions.

...Or maybe I’m just not being forthcoming.